Archive for the ‘global warming’ tag
LOS ANGELES – Former Vice President and current activist Al Gore has razed several hundred million acres of Amazon rainforest with a message promoting environmental responsibility. Gore contracted a Brazilian construction firm to produce a controlled conflagration in the shape of the message “Live Green” and bulldoze the smoldering remains.
Gore boasted that the message– intended to raise awareness about the dangers of industrialized civilization– can be seen from space; he also expressed hope that intelligent beings from other galaxies will interpret the message as evidence of his enlightenment.
Several ecologically-minded celebrities such as Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo will join Gore to celebrate completion of the project by skywriting “Global Warming Deniers Are Anti-Science And Must Be Stopped” through the exhaust smoke of a large fleet of private jets.
It is believed that Gore raised a portion of the funding for his rainforest project from the sale of a minority stake in his investment firm to the Iranian Sovereign Fund.
Contrary to the commonly held scientific conclusion that the Earth is getting warmer, a scientist who has written more than 150 peer-reviewed papers has unveiled evidence for his prediction thatÂ global cooling is comingÂ soon.
Come on, people– we had a consensus! Damnit. Well, at a minimum this is going to be a big word processing challenge…
To get started, here are some useful tips for Al Gore et al. from the Microsoft website. This function probably works in Powerpoint, too (and with the wordsÂ “warming” and “cooling”):
How to Use Search and Replace
Â You can automatically replace text â€” for example, you can replace “Acme” with “Apex.”
- On the Edit menu, click Replace.
- In the Find what box, enter the text that you want to search for.
- In the Replace with box, enter the replacement text.
- Select any other options that you want.
- Click Find Next, Replace, or Replace All.
To cancel a search in progress, press ESC.
H/T Mike B.
PALO ALTO, CA – Vice President Al Gore announced on Monday the creation of a new “carbon credit” firm that will offer carbon emission offsets to wealthy international clients by suffocating non-rich Americans and climate change deniers.
The new firm, which is named Expiria, will target high net worth individuals and families whose appetite for private air travel and electricity-guzzling palatial homes has resulted in an unusually large carbon “footprint.”
While other carbon offset solutions exist, they depend to a great extent on renewable energy sources such as solar, wind, hydroelectric and biofuels. Gore described Expiria’s innovative solution to reducing emissions,
The great thing about our new technology is that it attacks the problem from three directions.
First, it provides a market for anybody from the wildly wealthy to the preposterously wealthy to cancel out the deleterious effects of their jet-setting lifestyle and shield themselves from cries of hypocrisy.
Second, it promises to eliminate a large segment of the human habitational cohort, thereby reducing the considerable emissions that humanoid bioentities make on an aggregate level– much of it simply by exhaling.
Third, Expiria has targeted for carbon-negation individuals who have expressed skepticism about global climate change. They’re already expelling poisonous carbon gas every time they open their mouth– there’s no need to tolerate their hateful anti-science either. That makes Expiria’s work much easier, creating a virtuous cycle between numbers one, two and three.
Much of the work is done by the Carbon-Negative Smothering PillowTM, a product manufactured by Gaiatech, another green tech company co-founded byÂ Gore.
A non-rich American could not be reached for comment because we did not bother to contact any.
Gore was seated in the first row, along with his six fellow board members, in Apple’s Town Hall auditorium as several stockholders took turns either bashing or praising his high-profile views on climate change.
At the first opportunity for audience participation just several minutes into the proceeding, a longtime and well-known Apple shareholder–some would say gadfly–who introduced himself as Sheldon, stood at the microphone and urged against Gore’s re-election to the board. Gore “has become a laughingstock. The glaciers have not melted,” Sheldon said, referring to Gore’s views on global warming. “If his advice he gives to Apple is as faulty as his views on the environment then he doesn’t need to be re-elected.”
It would be hard to concoct a statement more disqualifying of somebody who presumes to write about matters of science than this:
Climate change science is a wondrous intellectual activity. Great scientific minds have learned over the course of many decades to “read” the Earth’s history, in order to understand how the climate system works.
H/T Mike B.
The Bay Area just had its foggiest May in 50 years. And thanks to global warming, it’s about to get even foggier.
The sight of Golden Gate Bridge towering above the fog will become increasing rare as climate change warms San Francisco bay, scientists have found.
My prediction for a report circa 2011:
The amount of fog over the San Francisco bay this year is perfectly normal. Almost too normal– indeed, eerily normal. It can only be attributed to the global warming that imperils our planet.
H/T Mike B.
Via the White House Flickr/self-parody feed.
Via David S. Van Dyke at the American Thinker:
Although it has been only a little over twenty years since the Montreal Protocol, which effectively created a global ban on chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs), the interesting history of the ozone hole has slipped under the radar, largely eclipsed by the much greater story of the anthropogenic global warming fraud. It’s interesting to revisit the CFC/ozone depletion scam and note the striking similarities to the current campaign against CO2.
If nothing else, it seems counterintuitive that the massive blizzards and record low temperatures we areÂ experiencingÂ are symptoms of global warming (anthropogenic or otherwise).
Here is some similarly inconvenient illogic from the CFC dress rehearsal:
Strangely, the most significant thinning of the ozone layer has been observed over the Antarctic. Most CFC use has been in the northern hemisphere.
[Human] health threats erupted, most notably the threat of an increased incidence of malignant melanoma. This is interesting, as melanoma is not influenced by UV-B radiation [which is blocked by ozone], but rather UV-A radiation (which is not blocked by ozone).
[T]he exact role of atmospheric CFCs remains uncertain. It appears that the primary catalyst of ozone depletion is atmospheric chlorine, and the most atmospheric chlorine by far is out-gassed from the oceans or emitted by volcanoes.
H/T Mike B.