ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI – The new express lane for drivers who refrain from texting while driving has failed to attract a single vehicle in the three months since its introduction to highways throughout the state.
In a bid to draw traffic, highway department officials completely eliminated the speed limit in the non-texting lane and installed billboard advertisements touting the benefits of driving at excessive speeds.
After no drivers chose to use the lane, officials experimented with a one text-per-mile limit in the new lane. The concession still failed to attract drivers.
Most recently, the state has partnered with Delta and American Airlines to provide triple airline miles for distances traveled using the express lane. Officials are optimistic that the airline miles promotion will gain traction when the state begins marketing the program to drivers via text message later this month.
LOS ANGELES – Former Vice President and current activist Al Gore has razed several hundred million acres of Amazon rainforest with a message promoting environmental responsibility. Gore contracted a Brazilian construction firm to produce a controlled conflagration in the shape of the message “Live Green” and bulldoze the smoldering remains.
Gore boasted that the message– intended to raise awareness about the dangers of industrialized civilization– can be seen from space; he also expressed hope that intelligent beings from other galaxies will interpret the message as evidence of his enlightenment.
Several ecologically-minded celebrities such as Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo will join Gore to celebrate completion of the project by skywriting “Global Warming Deniers Are Anti-Science And Must Be Stopped” through the exhaust smoke of a large fleet of private jets.
It is believed that Gore raised a portion of the funding for his rainforest project from the sale of a minority stake in his investment firm to the Iranian Sovereign Fund.
Image (and caption contest) via Jim Treacher.