THE VATICAN, ROME – Cardinal Attilio Bertello, Spokesman for Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, met with reporters this morning to announce that God has begun using the so-called “freemium” model, popularized by mobile gaming, in the creation of human life. “Mothers may purchase our proprietary currency, called Wafers, using real money. They can now use those Wafers to speed up creation of a baby in their womb. You can absolutely still have a baby in nine months for free, but for the more impatient mothers out there, you can now speed that process up considerably.”
The spending of real currency on in-game currency has been a major driver of the mobile gaming industry, playing on user’s lack of patience as upgrades in the game can take weeks at a time. A maternity ward nurse in S. Korea has reported that several teenagers in the area have spent enough Wafers to have their babies within 7 days of conception. Catholic officials are exploring other phenomenon controlled by God which could be likewise sped up using this unique currency. Allegations that the Catholic Church had a working title of “Indulgences” for the currency were met with a cold rebuff by Cardinal Bertello.