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"Hilarious." – Daniel Hannan

Archive for February, 2016

God Introduces Freemium Model For Gestation of Human Life

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amTHE VATICAN, ROME – Cardinal Attilio Bertello, Spokesman for Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, met with reporters this morning to announce that God has begun using the so-called “freemium” model, popularized by mobile gaming, in the creation of human life. “Mothers may purchase our proprietary currency, called Wafers, using real money. They can now use those Wafers to speed up creation of a baby in their womb. You can absolutely still have a baby in nine months for free, but for the more impatient mothers out there, you can now speed that process up considerably.”

The spending of real currency on in-game currency has been a major driver of the mobile gaming industry, playing on user’s lack of patience as upgrades in the game can take weeks at a time. A maternity ward nurse in S. Korea has reported that several teenagers in the area have spent enough Wafers to have their babies within 7 days of conception. Catholic officials are exploring other phenomenon controlled by God which could be likewise sped up using this unique currency. Allegations that the Catholic Church had a working title of “Indulgences” for the currency were met with a cold rebuff by Cardinal Bertello.

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Written by James Mayday

February 25th, 2016 at 11:05 am

Stan Kroenke Buys North Texas Ranch to Relocate Citizens of St. Louis

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kroenkeDALLAS, TX – Billionaire developer and professional sports team owner Stan Kroenke announced this week that he has acquired the largest piece of ranch land in America, the 535,000 acre J.T. Waggoner Ranch about 175 miles northwest of Dallas, in order to relocate the citizens of St. Louis, Missouri.

Kroenke recently prevailed in his efforts to move the NFL’s St. Louis Rams, which he owns, to Los Angeles. He reportedly felt both emboldened by the NFL’s decision to approve the Rams’ move and sufficiently resentful at the petulant, ungrateful residents of St. Louis to force them to relocate to a barren tract of north Texas land.

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Written by Ironic Commando

February 10th, 2016 at 10:23 am

Stan Kroenke Moves Arsenal F.C. to Syria Just to be a Dick

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Stan Kroenke, king of douches

LONDON – Billionaire and majority owner of Arsenal Football Club Stan Kroenke announced today that he will be moving the team– one of England’s most popular and highly decorated outfits– to Syria, a Middle-Eastern nation engulfed in civil war, just because he’s an enormous dick and enjoys behaving like a villainous caricature.

Kroenke has become widely reviled for his decision to relocate the St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles despite herculean efforts by the Missouri city to assemble a public financing package for a new football stadium. The real estate developer and owner of multiple professional sports team now seems to have embraced his public image of an avaricious, loathsome piece of shit.

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Written by Ironic Commando

February 7th, 2016 at 2:03 pm