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"Hilarious." – Daniel Hannan

Archive for May, 2005

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Written by Shittypundit

May 31st, 2005 at 5:11 pm

Sean Penn, Exhausted From Make-Believe, Will Take “Couple of Years Off”

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IMDB reports that Sean Penn is suffering from “severe exhaustion” after the filming of his latest film, “All the King’s Men.” Penn remarked,

“The first week back, you want to make up for all the time you spent away from the kids – mistake. You have to pretend you’re still away except you’re not, so you just sleep and they come to see you, otherwise you’re ill. This one [All The King’s Men] has been extremely rough. I’m pretty burnt out and I’m going to have a couple of years off at least now.”

This statement is nearly incoherent, but I think he’s saying he’s really wiped out from reading aloud words written by other people.

In the movie Penn plays a governor. Sadly, since pretending to be a politician has proven so cripplingly exhausting for the guy, actually being a politician must be just plain prohibitive. Those of us pining for Jeff Spicoli to launch a Senate campaign will likely be disappointed.

You have to sympathize with Sean Penn, however. Make-Believe is a taxing endeavor. In fact, the last time I played charades, I had to take a 2-week sick leave from work. And when I played Captain Hook in a 5th grade production of Treasure Island, I quite rightfully demanded an extended, excused absence from school.

What a treasure. I tremble to think– what would we do if we didn’t have Sean Penn to tell us how evil America is? What if we didn’t have people so wealthy and out of touch– so wholly without a terrestrial frame of reference– telling us that our values are fraudulent and wrong?

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Written by Shittypundit

May 23rd, 2005 at 5:13 pm

Jennifer Wilbanks: A Model of Racial Sensitivity

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I know this is a little off-topic, but I wanted to get this out there.

Remember when Jennifer Wilbanks told the police she had been abducted by a Hispanic male and a white female, and how some groups like Hispanics Across America were so offended at the perceived racism of this comment?

Well, New Mexico (where Jennifer had absconded) is 44.7% white and 42.1% Hispanic. Source: Wikipedia (what else?).

If anything, Jennifer was producing the most racially representative combination possible given 2 random New Mexicans. If anything, this is another example of inveterate racial sensitivity– a constant striving for precise racial proportionism.

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Written by Shittypundit

May 19th, 2005 at 2:27 pm

Profiles in Bravery: Rosie O’Donnell

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I need to revisit Rosie O’Donnell’s interview with Geraldo Rivera on Fox News a few weeks ago; there is just too much good stuff in here:

“And as a Democrat, as a member of this democracy…I feel I have a responsibility to speak out, as does every other person who disagrees with this administration. And it’s scary in a country that you can say something against the President and then worry about your career.”

We have heard this before. Whether it is the Dixie Chicks or Linda Ronstadt, celebrities respond to the opinions of private citizens—e.g. the people who pay for the goddamn tickets to their shows—as if they were the instrument of some evil Republican state apparatus. They portray themselves as persecuted, lone brave voices for justice and understanding, in real danger of impingement on their first amendment rights.

It is really pretty pathetic that anybody needs to point this out, but the Constitution does not guarantee against personal or professional consequences if you choose to make bombastic, inflammatory political statements.

Indeed, if any of these self-important shits were to talk to somebody in the masses of non-celebrities out there, they would discover that keeping one’s political opinions to one’s self at the workplace is a good, discreet, professional way to behave.

I can think of several reasons why Rosie O’Donnell isn’t getting the same work she used to, and has to “worry about [her] career.”

1) She is a revoltingly corpulent bizarro with no discernible talents
2) Her politics are in-your-face, over-the-top, half-brained and run contrary to the basic sensibilities of the majority of Americans

This is not McCarthyism, Rosie. You suck and people don’t want to listen to your fat fucking face.

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Written by Shittypundit

May 18th, 2005 at 11:10 pm

Chris Martin is a Fucking Idiot

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Chris Martin is a fucking idiot.

I am quite used to brainless celebrities excoriating CEOs and powermongers, but Coldplay lead singer Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow has now declared that he thinks “shareholders are the great evil of this modern world.” (Source: Evening Standard.)

Shareholders? People who own shares in companies are evil? My god the Left has taken a big blind jump off the cliffs of insanity. Ownership itself is now evil. Apple’s dad declares it so.

Chris Martin isn’t just a moron, though—he’s a hypocrite, too. He doesn’t reserve any anti-capitalist vitriol for real estate investing, as for instance his purchase of a £3.73mm ($6.8mm) home in London.

Hey shithead, some people don’t have the money to speculate on London palaces, so they devote a lot of their income to life insurance, annuities and pension plans. Guess where a lot of that money goes? Buying shares in evil corporationey corporations.

My dear god I fucking hate celebrities.

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Written by Shittypundit

May 18th, 2005 at 12:10 pm

Posted in I Hate Celebrities

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It’s Like, Human Rights, Y’all

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From You Can’t Make It Up, the following account of Cameron Diaz’s appearance at the 2005 Reebok Human Rights Awards—not a joke, like say, the Keds Tribute to Military Valor might be—proves that the real lives of celebrities are 1000x more amusingly moronic than anything anybody could write for them:

“The true highlight of the evening came when Cameron Diaz pranced out on stage. Waving and blowing kisses she tottered in her stilettos and skintight jeans over to the podium. Struggling to read the speech prepared for her, she gratefully welcomed interruptions of high school kids screaming, ‘You’re so hot Cameron!! I want you Cameron!’ ‘Come on you guys,’ she said tossing her shiny blond hair over her shoulder, ‘Please. I mean, it’s totally awesome that you’re here.’ Wink.

She then read her bit about Carlos Rojas, a videographer documenting violent atrocities against his indigenous ethnic group in Oaxaca. ‘Brutalized, attacked, imprisoned and tortured by the Mexican military, the Mixe found themselves without a voice,’ Cameron read. Then, looking up at the audience, puppy dog eyes wide, she ad libbed, ‘I think we all know what that feels like, right guys?’ From the back of the auditorium came the response, ‘I want to do you, Cameron!’ She smiled and waved. ‘You guys are so awesome!’”

I guess this is the kind of gravity you get with the star of “The Sweetest Thing.” I am just relieved that, when Carlos Rojas approached Cameron to receive the award, the sheer absurd incongruity of those two standing together didn’t cause the universe to implode.

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Written by Shittypundit

May 16th, 2005 at 7:08 pm

The Huffington Post Debuts!

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Among the inaugural posters on the Huffington Post was John Cusack, who contributed an elegy to Hunter S. Thompson which, given that Thompson died over 2 1/2 months ago, surely has less to do with delivering timely and relevant commentary than with Cusack’s self-congratulation on being present at the grossly overrated author’s memorial. Unfortunately, the medium for masturbatory celebrity journaling did not exist in February when Thompson shot himself, so Cusasck brings it to us now. You’re my fucking hero, John.

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Written by Shittypundit

May 9th, 2005 at 4:48 pm

Riding the Small Bus with Rosie

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My brother sent me a link to a video montage of Rosie O’Donnell’s finest moments in the Hallmark movie “Riding the Bus with My Sister.” Here.

Also, a very funny scene-by-scene commentary.

It is funny to think that the last time I heard this woman speak, she was talking to Geraldo Rivera on Fox News last week and saying, “[Bush] is a war criminal.”

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Written by Moog Rogue

May 6th, 2005 at 10:38 am

Posted in I Hate Celebrities

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